12th April 2019 at 4:48 pm #116281
This is my first go at writing a book and I’m hoping Jericho will help! I’d love to know if anyone would want to read this book based on the elevator pitch or if it might be improved….. here goes: A retired doctor’s murderous past unfolds after a body is discovered in her garden. How far will she go to keep her secrets hidden?
Many thanks in advance :-)
12th April 2019 at 6:32 pm #116311
I’m no expert – also trying to pitch my first novel, so feel free to ignore what I suggest. But I really like this. There is clearly a lot at stake and I’m intrigued what are her secrets – just bodies or more? I was slightly uncertain about the word ‘unfolds’ – is there something stronger you could use?
Are you wanting to say she is a murderer? At present it appears she is completely the baddie and also your hero/main character, is the full story more complicated? I might wonder if I want to read about a murderer covering up her trails. Is she the main character? Will I like her?
12th April 2019 at 7:09 pm #116313
Thank you for the reply Susan :-) I’m aiming to tell the story from Lilian’s point of view so she is a baddie with whom I want you to connect. The idea is to tell the story of the body being found and the police investigating alongside her looking back and revealing the true story through her memories. I have another elevator pitch as follows:
Reclusive Lilian Blake has committed three murders. Can she keep her secrets hidden when a body is found in her garden?
Maybe this packs a better punch?
13th April 2019 at 6:41 am #116391
I like the second better:
how about someting along these lines?
Reclusive Lilian Blake has got away with three murders so far but a body not of her making turns up in her garden a threatens discovery.
13th April 2019 at 9:27 am #116409
Thanks Kevin – I like the phrase ‘got away with’ – it’s more punchy. She did kill the body in the garden though, so maybe I could go for:
Reclusive Lilian Blake has got away with three murders but the discovery of a body in her garden threatens discovery.
I’m planning to tell the story in 2 parallel lines – the present, where she has to decide how to foil the police as they uncover the truth, and the past, where she is looking back on what she did, but in reverse so that the reveal is the original motive. I’m not sure how to suggest all this in the pitch, or even if it is necessary to do so….
13th April 2019 at 9:27 am #116410
I prefer the first pitch and would definitely be interested in reading more, but I’d use stronger terms i.e. deadly instead of murderous. I’ve made a suggestion below (I’m presuming the body is dug up?)
A retired doctors deadly past is discovered when a body is unearthed in her garden. What lengths will she go to to keep the rest of her secrets buried?
A retired doctors deadly past is unearthed when a body is discovered in her garden.
Best of luck, it sounds like a solid idea.
13th April 2019 at 9:30 am #116411
Thank you Teresa, I really like your first idea and it’s great to get your encouragement :-)
13th April 2019 at 9:31 am #116412
Sorry – Teresa! Need to slow down! :-)
21st April 2019 at 8:42 am #119629
Hi Karen – I’ve been reading a lot about pitches recently and from what I understand they are not meant to read like blurbs on the back of the book. So, I’m not sure the question is meant to be at the end. So I have to go with Teresa’s “A retired doctors deadly past is unearthed when a body is discovered in her garden.” And yes, I’d be interested in reading this!
21st April 2019 at 9:09 am #119633
Thank you Yvonne, and again to Teresa for a succinct pitch which puts it so well :-)
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