Hi Carole
A great start to an intriguing idea. A few things have occurred to me that you might want to think about, and a few ideas that I hope will help you polish the writing.

I don’t think that opening is meant to be a dream, but that’s mostly because I’ve read your synopsis, and also the ‘Four Day’s Earlier’. But it does have some nightmarish type elements, so assuming it’s a dream is a mistake that could be made, and as I’m sure you know starting a book with a dream is considered a big cliché. So I’d suggest making it clear this is actually happening.

You introduce a lot of characters in that second section. It’s a lot of names for the reader to take in and remember, so you might want to consider delaying some of the less important ones, and maybe establish Gideon, his side kick and Grimes only in this first chapter.

I found the writing quite busy. There’s a lot of shouting and screaming going on with the odd yawn thrown in that felt a bit out of place. You tag a lot of your speech with how you want it to be said, but it’s better to use what is going on around the speech to show how it would be said. Trust the reader a little more. I’ll try and show what I mean in the text below.

There’s some punctuation issues as well, I think, though I’m pretty weak on that myself.

Here’s a look at the nitty gritty of the writing, and suggestions where you might want to apply some of the above.

The explosion demolished the cave’s entrance. Detective Gideon Snow frantically quarried, (you’ve used a verb here that doesn’t tell us much other than the fact that something is digging. To add imperative you’ve put ‘frantically’ in front. But adverbs should only be used very sparingly. They’re telly, and a bit of a no-no, especially in your second line. You should be thinking about a stronger verb, and you’ve got that in your next sentence already. So shorten this line to ‘Detective Gideon Snow clawed into the rocky mire…’ Do you see how that line is now much stronger?) clawing into the rocky mire that imprisoned its victims. “I will get you, out, I promise.” He shouted, (Is that speech tag necessary? We know there’s been a landslide, so I think we can probably guess he’s shouting. Put the action rather than the tag around the speech. ‘His yell was cut short by…’) his yell cut short, displaced by the wind. He lost his balance as the hurricane punched into his body.
The screams from the little girl weakened. “Hold on.” Gideon lowered his tone, it was now a sob, (you’ve jumped from yelling to sobbing. You might want something in between to show his mental state dropping. Something thought in his head.)“I can’t lose you, and I won’t.”
He gritted his teeth, grabbed a length of the trailing vine, wrapped it around his hand, and plunged his free arm, elbow deep, into the sludge.
From the depths of the thick grey fog, (no comma, I think) the faceless, Shadow Man, appeared beating his wings, screaming obscenities.
Gideon roared, (another tag that you probably don’t need. The ‘you bastard’ tells us he’s angry) “I won’t let you have her, you bastard.” He punched at the unnamed; his fist dispersed the billowing shadow momentarily. (It disperses the shadow ‘momentarily’, which suggests it comes straight back, but it’s not mentioned again below, which suggests it doesn’t come back. Which is it?)
The force of the launch dislodged his footing; leaving Gideon clinging to the vine, mid-air. The squall battered him against the rock face. (You’re telling us what happens to Gideon – maybe consider moving a little closer into his head and let us experience it?)
He screamed, (another tag) “Oh God, I’ve paid my, penance. I’m sorry, make this stop.”
The sea roared, (you’ve used ‘roared’ above already) crashing against the sheer cliff face with an ear berating clatter, the icy surge engulfed him, stole his breath. (I like ‘stole his breath, because that’s closer in his head and shows us what he’s feeling. Maybe go further – slipped freezing fingers under his coat… – that kind of idea. Help us experience it.)
Lightning fragmented the watery darkness, the wave ebbed, (full stop, I think) Gideon glimpsed her bloodied little fingers clutching the glistening Silver Amulet through the waterfall of the torrent. He lunged, gripped her hand.
“I’ve got you.” He shouted. (don’t think the tags necessary)
Boom! Another massive explosion! “Noooooo, for God’s sake No.” Her tiny fingers slipped from his grasp, disappearing under the sludge. “Nooooo!” he cried. (you definitely don’t need that one. He’s the only person here so no-one else would be saying it.) “No, no, no.”

(I found the above a bit busy with all the shouting, roaring and screaming. I feel you’re trying to get us to see how frantic he is with these words, but that’s obvious from what’s going on, and as there is only one person talking in the scene, Gideon, you don’t need to keep tagging the speech. I don’t think it would take much to just streamline it a bit, and I think you’d find that would make it more impactful.)

Four Days earlier.
11am, GREATER MANCHESTER POLICE HQ
The tap-tap-tap, disturbed DS Gideon Snow’s concentration and it was getting louder.
Gideon slammed his palms on the desk, dead-eying the perpetrator. In a fake American accent, Gideon said, “Okay, One thing your gunna ask yourself, do ya feel lucky? Well do ya? Punk?”
DC Jason James grinned, stopped tapping, pointed his chewed up pencil at Gideon, closed one eye, setting Gideon in the sights of his lead rifle.
A bellowing voice broke the scene. “YOU-TWO, WOMBLES! My office now.” (LOL)
Detective Superintendent Grimes sounded pissed at them, but he always did. (It’s obvious from his words that he’s pissed, so you might not need to say this. Instead what about some internalisation from Gideon. ‘What had they done to piss him off this time?’ That moves us closer into the character’s head, but it depends what kind of POV you want) They scuffled into the office, nudging each other, avoiding pole position. (Good)
DC Jason James manoeuvred his slender 5ft 10inch frame, in behind DS Gideon Snow’s mammoth 6ft 6inch structure.
“Bug, you little shit.” Gideon said.
Jason was nick-named, BUG, as in, stick-insect.
Grimes pointed, “You, Buggy Boy, close the door,” (You’ve got ‘bug’ three sentences in a row. Perhaps you could work the explanation more subtly into the sentence before ‘manoeuvred his stick insect frame…’)
Grimes threw his navy blue suit jacket over the rickety wooden coat stand. The brass buttons clinked the face of the display cabinet where he kept his boxing trophies. He was known throughout the force as, the Blue-bruiser. His fighting days were long gone, the gritty demeanour remained. (Nice description and characterisation. Very sleekly done)
DC Jason James mule-kicked the door closed.
Superintendent Grimes gawped (I’m not quite sure why he ‘gawped’, because he thinks the glass might break (?), but more importantly, for me, I can’t see the gritty person you described in the above, gawping) as the glass panels rattled.
“You, bloody idiot.” (not sure why Gideon says that. Is it that they’ve annoyed Grimes more? Seems a bit of an OTT reaction)Gideon whispered. He then grimaced, (Grimes gawps, Gideon whispers then grimaces. It’s feeling too busy again. I feel you’re trying to tell the reader, rather than let us intuit everyone’s reaction from what’s happening)his headache was thumping its way back through the handful of strong painkillers, taken two hours ago. His vision blurred, and he had a round of vertigo, he grabbed a chair. (Punctuation’s all out in that sentence, and a bit clumsy. Maybe ‘His vison blurred, vertigo hit, and he grabbed for a chair.’)
“Don’t bother parking your, big-arse, Snow, it’s not a bloody tea break, or a game of cards, and talking of cards.” (Didn’t quite get that, because he doesn’t go on and say anything about cards?)
Gideon huffed, and folded his arms, the sleeves of his leather black biker jacket creaked. (this was a surprise. I was seeing Gideon as a bit of a Morse type character – definitely not in a biker jacket. Might be an idea to get this in earlier, as I’ve now had to update my image of him here.)
“Er! Detective Superintendent Grimes? Is this meeting concerning the incident last night? Or the new squad car? Jason asked.
Grimes’s inane grin said it all. (That comment doesn’t tell me which one he’s thinking of, and ‘inane’ doesn’t match with the gritty character you described above)
Jason smiled (I get the feeling he should be nervous, so the smile doesn’t match that. Something like – Jason fiddled with his coat buttons – might work better.). “Well, I can explain everything.”
“Oh, you, can, can, you? Ha!” Grimes rubbed his hands and sat, placing his hands behind his head, and his size 10s up on the desk. Grimes’s (Change to ‘The’. ‘Grimes’ has been used to start previous sentence) old wooden chair creaked under the strain of his overfed, and under exercised bulk. (nice)
Leaning back, the Superintendents light blue shirt popped open, exposing a pink, fleshy midriff. He was old-school, and his office bore testament. Grimes loathed the new Police HQ, with its shiny steel architecture, glass, and the departmental amalgamations.
“Come on then, I’m waiting.” Grimes said.
Jason cleared his throat, (that does a good job of showing how he’s feeling) “Well, Gov, if you read my report.” Jason tapped the top file on Grimes’s desk.
Grimes shot to his feet, his fists banged the table. (I can’t quite imagine this because he’s leaning back in his chair with his feet on the desk, so I can’t see how he can go from that to shooting to his feet easily)
Jason gulped.
“Tell me, DC James, do I look like I want to read another one of your, God damned fairy-tales?” Grimes spat something out onto the table. “And as for last night, oh my, don’t get me started.” Grimes said. (don’t need ‘Grimes said’. The initial action tells us it’s Grimes speaking. Only tag when it will be unclear who is speaking if you don’t)
Jason’s face crumpled into indignation (you want the action to show indignation, without using the word, as that feels telly. For me ‘crumpled’ doesn’t match with indignation. Eyes widening maybe, or lips thinning), as he looked at the strands of chewed up tobacco.
Grimes shook his head. “It may have escaped your notice, but that little girl, is still missing. Four bloody months, you’re supposed to be Manchester’s finest Detectives, Ha! What a joke. We’re getting hung, drawn, and bloody quartered in the press.”
Grimes picked up one of the many newspapers off his desk, and it threw it across the room. “And if I, get shit, you, get shit, you got it?” (Punctuation’s wrong. Too many commas and the last 3 words should be a new sentence I think)
Grimes hunched over his desk. (I’d probably lose that first bit, because you’ve got a Grimes action at the start of the previous sentence and you want to vary the structure. You also have an action at the end of this which works well) “Snow, you need to get that mad head of yours, sorted, you, used to be a bloody good cop.” Grimes took a deep breath, outstretched his arms and cracked his turtle neck. (Nice)
Gideon closed his eyes, grimaced, his head pounded. (you’ve just had an action from Grimes, so maybe vary what you have Gideon do. A thought maybe. Plus he’s grimaced earlier and we already know about the headache. The yawn following this seems out of place. A yawn’s flippant and relaxed, and they’re talking about a missing child.) He yawned and opened his eyes, spotting DC Susie Henley through the window. She was looking over the top of her oversized spectacles at him.
He winked, smiled. (this suggests he doesn’t care about the child, because he’s ignoring what’s going on in the briefing. Not good characterisation)
She raised her pink troll topped pen and waved it.
He noticed the dark pinstriped jacket lurking behind her and locked eyes with the scowling DCI Baker.
Baker shook his head and turned his back.
Gideon huffed, “Great.” there would be another inquisition around the dinner table this evening.
DCI Baker was his immediate superior; and married to Gideon’s sister Miriam, a shitty combination. (You’ve introduced another two characters for us to get our heads around. Baker I think could definitely wait until later. Thinking about his sister and Baker is also showing him as not paying attention to a serious case that’s being discussed, and doesn’t show him in a good light)
Gideon’s thoughts turned to the disturbing case of the missing child Ruby Rose Edwards. It had dark connotations, non-that Gideon could outline with facts, or divulge to the team, however he had thrown a few sinister theories over to Jason, after too many pain killers, and a bottle of, Jack Daniels. (You’re telling us a lot here. An alternative might be to give us Gideon’s thoughts, rather than telling us them. For example – ‘God, this case was turning into a right bastard. A headache was only the start of his troubles. And why had he blabbed to Jason about his more sinister theories. Too many pain killers and a bottle of Jack Daniels, that was why. He had to get a hold on his tongue before…’ That kind of idea. Helps build character and voice by getting us in his head.)
Jason had laughed, but unbeknown to Gideon, Detective Constable Jason James (using the full name feels odd. I think just ‘he’ would be better) had made notes; in his unofficial notebook.
Gideon was finding this case draining; in fact everything seemed difficult, annoying.(‘I’m not sure ‘annoying’ is the right word. Sounds as if it’s just irritating him a bit, which is too weak for a missing child case) And he was ready to throw in the towel on his career, but first he would find Ruby Rose first. (lose second ‘first’)
Paul Edwards, the missing child’s Grandfather, and guardian, was known to Gideon, on a personal level having been Gideon’s first collar back in his rookie days. Paul Edwards had attended Gideon’s body building gym. Gideon (comma) convinced that Edwards had been supplying the lads at the gym steroids, outed him, (no comma) as a pill-pushing ex-con, but with no proof, and hushed mouths, Edwards remained a member, (full stop) Gideon quit the gym but got his man two weeks later, pill pushing at the local secondary school gates. It was a good nab and it had earned him Gideon his first accolade.
Grimes waffled on in the recesses of Gideon’s concentration, (I’m just wondering again if he should be maybe paying more attention. ‘Waffled’ makes him seem uncaring about the case, although he is now thinking about it) as he considered the missing child’s Mother, Dawn Edwards. History was repeating itself, as four years ago, she too had vanished, and just like her daughter, left behind no clues.
Dawn, had been a teen-Mum, aged fourteen, social services were involved. The Police report on her disappearance had been filed, Missing, Possible Runaway. DS Gideon Snow had re-read her file, he did not agree.
Ruby Rose Edwards had vanished on the morning of January 1st at around 9am. There was evidence Ruby Rose had been playing with a snowman in the small back yard of her home on the tough former council estate known as, Nappy valley, its official name was, The Valley Estate, Altrincham, Manchester. Its community remained muted and watchful, over the disappearance of, one of their own.
The Edwards family were typical Nappy Valley residents, three generations of unemployed anarchy, squashed into a four bedroom housing association dwelling.
The household comprised forty year-old Paul Daniel Edwards, his partner Anita Dwyer, and their twin boys, aged nine months.
Daniel Edwards, Paul’s son, aged eighteen, from Paul’s first marriage, and Jack Edwards aged seventy-five, Paul’s father, disabled, he slept downstairs; and then there was Ruby Rose, aged five.
Paul became de facto foster carer of Ruby Rose aged seven months when Dawn Edwards disappeared.
The Edwards clan were far from the ideal, quote, unquote, family unit, but it was obvious from social services, and school reports, that Ruby Rose’s was loved, cared for, and thriving in her environment.
At 11.40am on the morning of January the 1st, Greater Manchester police received a frantic 999 call from Paul Edwards, reporting his Granddaughter missing.
The police arrived at the address, 39 Sycamore Close, on the Valley Estate at 12.03pm. Detective Gideon Snow was the Senior Investigating Officer.
The family stated they had overslept. The New Year’s Eve party, had lingered on until the daylight hours, Gideon noted that it was still in full swing. Ruby Rose had allegedly by-passed sleeping revellers and crept outside to the back yard, to play. On the stone slabs, of the back yard, was a spent breakfast bar wrapper, a pair of metal step ladders, and the icy remains of a Snowman.
The Edwards proclaimed that the six foot tall, back yards wooden gate was open when they began their search. Gideon noted it could only have been unbolted from the inside.
The list of the New-Years party-revellers remained unclear, anyone with a bottle, had an invitation. The Edwards, drink until you drop, policy meant just that. It appeared most of the Nappy Valley residents, had passed through, and out.
There had been reports of three separate incidents at the address attended by the ambulance service that night, all drink related.
An immediate search of the neighbourhood was launched followed by a nationwide man-hunt, both unproductive. The search advanced to include a multi-disciplined Taskforce that spread across the UK and Europe. After weeks of investigation the police had only one person of interest, 60 year-old Gerald Hagget. He had become a suspect by chance.
DS Gideon Snow knew Hagget as a hot headed gun totting, grumpy old man, not a child molester. Haggets home, Edgefield farm, sat 200 yards from the edge of the Valley estate. His land backed directly onto the lane behind Sycamore close. There had been a lot of sinister decapitations of pets in the area, locals all too quick to point their fingers at the old man.
Police had gone to his Farm after another report of Hagget brandishing a small pistol on the evening of Jan 7th seven days after Ruby Rose’s disappearance.
Hagget had a licensed 12 bore shotgun and the pistol was never found, but a Childs red scarf, and photos of, Ruby Rose were, hidden in a Tesco carrier bag, under Haggets bed. When questioned why he had them in his possession, he had answered, no particular reason other than he found them in the bag on his land, and he thought she was pretty.
Gideon’s attention jolted back into the room, as Grimes banged his frustration down on the desk.
“Okay let’s cut the bull. It was you, wasn’t it?” Grimes said.
Gideon replied, “Yeah.” Unsure of what he had admitted to. (This would be a good place to put us in Gideon’s head here. “‘Yeah’. What the hell had he just agreed to”)
DC James interrupted. “Gov, about the accident with the new squad car.”
“What? Shut your, (no comma) bloody cake hole, Bug, (full stop) I need to talk to, the Organ-Grinder, not his, Monkey, (full stop, maybe) now get out of my office.” Grime’s foul tobacco spit, flickered on Jason’s face.
Jason closed the office door behind him and sauntered over to his workstation, trusting Gideon had his back. He sat in his chair, casually kicking back on its castors, rolling alongside DC Suzie Henley.
The round office desks were partitioned, to make a set of four work stations. DC James and DC Henley had adjacent quarters. Gideon’s workstation sat in between.
Suzie’s Partition had fluffy pink troll type teddies, strategically draped to cover her hunky fireman calendar.
“You want the low down, Suzie?”
DC Suzie Henley leant forwards and whispered in his ear. Jason could see the top of her red lacy bra, under her crisp white blouse. He felt a tickling chill in the nape of his neck; her warm breath heating his imagination.
“Are you in there now Jason?” Suzie asked. Her lips tickled his earlobe.
Jason shivered.
“Oh yes,” he whispered.
Suzie’s tone went from hot and ready, too cold and bloody unlikely.
“No, you are not, so how on earth can, you give me, the low down, Huh?”
Jason smiled, his eyes fixated on her wobbly cleavage.
She sat back, lifted her over defined eyebrows, and folded her arms obscuring his view.
“Spoil-sport.” Jason said. “Okay, Suzie I don’t know what’s going on now but we both know it won’t be good. Fancy a curry later? I know you like it hot. You can even bring the big-guy, if we must.” Jason said.
Suzie pushed Jason backwards sending him, and his chair into a small information unit. And a PCSO placing leaflets in order. She scowled.
“Go get a worthwhile job, Princess Plastic.” Jason said.
She headed for the safety of the other training PCSO’S, huddled around a white board, with Sergeant Patrick Snow, Gideon’s dad, instructing them.
“Oh, Jason, grow up, not everything is a joke. Ignore him, Sian,” Suzie shouted after her. “Jason, your, (no comma) partner is in there, getting a rollicking, and you’re trying to.” Suzie paused, her head wobbled as she struggled to find the words. She grinned, “Well, get it on.”
Jason laughed, “He’s a big boy, and he can handle himself fine.” DC Jason James knelt on his chair and surfed it back to his desk singing, “let’s get it on.” by Marvin Gaye. Jason slid his chair behind his desk. He heard DC Suzie Henley giggle.
(The section where we leave Gideon and Grimes and move out into the office. What’s your reasoning for doing this. Are you just introducing the character and getting some interplay going between them? Make sure it has a point, and also make sure you finish the chapter on an instability. That is what will make the reader want to turn to the next page.

I hope some of the above is helpful, but they are just my thoughts, so take what works for you and disregard the rest. Good luck with this.
Kate

@kate, you’ve basically said everything I would have. ;-)
@Carole, yes, look out for those sprinkled adjectives which I don’t think you really need, and the speech tags (ditto). Overall, this is a powerful piece with lots of action, so once it’s tightened (or streamlined), I think the impact will be much greater.
Wobbly cleavage. love it.
Perhaps read this sectionout loud, and see which commas you need and those you can remove.
I’d read more. ;-)

Hi Carole, you’ve got a really dynamic start to what promises to be a very pacey and interesting story.
I’ll comment on the opening scene and the second scene up to where DC Henley appears. This is due my own time constraints – not any comment on your writing.
I like your writing. It’s vivid and has a strong narrative pull. I think there are a few too many adjectives and little explainy bits, and maybe you could think of cutting some of these when you come to do editing. I’ve given some suggestions but these are only my opinions.
Mostly they are deletions. Apologies – I can’t work out how to show deletions by crossing words out.

The explosion demolished the cave’s entrance. Detective Gideon Snow clawed into the rocky mire. [I wasn’t sure about a mire being rocky. Couldn’t quite picture it, but maybe my failing} “I will get you, out, I promise.” His yell cut short, displaced by the wind. He lost his balance as the hurricane punched into his body.
The screams from the little girl weakened. “Hold on.” Gideon sobbed., “I can’t lose you, and I won’t.”
He gritted his teeth, grabbed a length of the trailing vine, wrapped it around his hand, and plunged his free arm, elbow deep, into the sludge.
From the depths of the thick grey fog, the faceless, Shadow Man, appeared beating his wings, screaming obscenities.
Gideon roared, “I won’t let you have her, you bastard.” He punched at the unnamed; his fist dispersed the billowing shadow momentarily.
The force of the launch dislodged his footing; he clung to the vine, mid-air. The squall battered him against the rock face.
“Oh God! [maybe insert an exclamation mark as he is shouting] I’ve paid my, penance. I’m sorry, make this stop.”
The sea roared, crashing against the sheer cliff face with an ear berating clatter, the icy surge engulfed him, stole his breath.
Lightning fragmented the watery darkness, the wave ebbed, Gideon glimpsed bloodied little fingers clutching the glistening Silver Amulet through the waterfall of the torrent. He lunged, gripped her hand.
“I’ve got you.” He shouted.
Boom! Another massive explosion! [I think this would be more effective without the exclamation mark] “Noooooo, for God’s sake No.” Her tiny fingers slipped from his grasp, disappearing under the sludge. “Nooooo!” he cried. “No, no, no.”

The next scene is a great contrast and, as Kate and Giselle have pointed out, has lovely humour. The character sketches are well done. My feeling is that it would be better to get quickly to the line about the little girl having been missing for a long time. Presumably that is you main story, and the main story – a firm footing after the opening – is what I think your readers will be looking for at this stage in the narrative.. Then you can expand on the characters.
I wasn’t clear what time the story takes place in. I started off thinking contemporary then the reference to newspapers but not websites made me think it could be a decade or so ago.

But overall this is really good. All the best with its progress.
Libby

Fantastic job Cal. This is really impactful.

I’ll go through and nit pick, but they are just small things to maybe think about or disregard.

Loved the opening sentence, could really feel the vibrations, but I’d never come across ‘rifted’ before and had to google.

‘shuddering precipice’ – you’ve established everything’s vibrating in the previous line, so maybe lose the adverb. Don’t think it adds anything and weakens the line.

‘His blood chilled the moans from the others…’ I think there’s a word missing here. Doesn’t make sense.

”hellish act of violence.’ – felt a bit melodramatic to me. Could you phrase another way?

‘Her cries weakened. “Hold on. I can’t lose you, and I won’t.” ‘ – might be Jericho’s formatting, but if not, him speaking shouldn’t follow on from her action, as that implies it’s her speaking.

‘Gideon shook his head as, from the depths of the darkness, emerged the Shadow-Man.’ – the punctuation was wrong here. I’ve corrected (I think).

‘Gideon punched at the billowing shadow it dispersed…’ – Is there a word missing here. Doesn’t quite make sense. Maybe ‘As Gideon punched at the billowing shadow, it dispersed…’

‘Its eyes, red, piercing…’ This just felt a bit of a cliché. Can you think of another way to describe. Molten orbs, maybe?

‘“Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” – this was probably the one bit that didn’t work for me. Ha! Ha! can be in any tone, so you then have to tell us it’s mocking. I’d consider reworking.

‘“Ugh!” Gideon groaned, his body crumpled, his footing dislodged. – we know Gideon’s groaned because of the ‘Ugh’, so you don’t need to tell us as well. Follow straight on with ‘Gideon’s body crumpled…’

‘He clung to the vine, praying he was amid some elaborate nightmare. And at any moment he’d waken, but this was real, it hurt like hell.’ – punctuations wrong. Personally find it slightly over written as well, but that might be me. ‘He clung to the vine, praying this was some nightmare, and at any moment he’d waken. But this was real. It hurt like hell.’ (I think that’s right, but my punctuation can be dodgy too!)

‘berating clatter, an icy’ – loved this section, but don’t think that comma’s right. A full stop or maybe a semi colon?

‘watery darkness, his faith ‘ – again, don’t think the comma’s right. I’m guessing the lightning shows him the waves are ebbing, but the connections not clear. I love the stripped back writing here. I think it works really well, but maybe that bit needs to be slightly fuller for full understanding.

Hope that helps to add the final polish. I fuond this a really tense, wonderfully paced piece. Well done Cal.

Hi Cal, your edits have really lifted this piece. It’s much easier to follow and as Kate says, its impactful now.
My only point is that I think ‘an avalanche ensued’ needs showing rather than telling. At the moment the bald statement distances the reader I think. Could you show the avalanche? It sounds from your interest in volcanoes etc that you could do a great, brief description that would be well informed and make the reader sense you have authority over your subject matter. Nothing too long as you’re at the opening of the novel, but just a choice phrase that wouldn’t be someone else’s (mine for instance) clichéd way of depicting this sort of avalanche.
Well done for the progress you’ve made. Reet good, lass :-)

I think it’s fabulous, Cal. Very atmospheric, lovely language. Really put me in the moment. Maybe make the new paragraph (‘The debris’ etc) more punchy as a contrast. So: ‘the debris clogging the cave’s entrance entombed its victims’. That’s only my suggestion. Ignore it if it doesn’t work for you.
I do suggest saying ‘the girl’s’ cries so there’s no double take as the reader wonder’s if Gideon is female.

PS forgot to say definitely not too much in my opinion.

Good luck. It’s looking good.