Tagged: Pitch pitches Title
7th February 2019 at 11:28 am #89982
After a major structural edit I’ve changed titles (from Headhunter to The Unknown Nine) and updated pitch. Any thoughts on further improvements, general impressions, greatly welcomed. Specifically, I’m wondering whether it needs to be shorter/punchier, more enigmatic, more revelatory, but insights in general welcomed. Genre is Speculative Thriller.
The Unknown Nine
Itha Bann is searching for her missing best friend; a promising scientist taken by human traffickers years ago. Unfortunately, that search just came into conflict with her commission as an operative for the secretive Fey and Itha risks two millennia of their shadow work to follow her personal agenda.
7th February 2019 at 3:59 pm #90019
I’m not great at these but the second sentence doesn;t read well.
Here’s an idea but it will need tweaking as don’t know the full story:
Is it important to know her friend is a scientist yet?
Can you be a bit more specific on what she has to lose as I’ve guessed.
Years after her best friend was taken by human traffickers, undercover Fey operative, Itha Bann, gets news of her whereabouts. To find her friend, she must risk two millennia of shadow work, her career and her life.
I don’t feel able to judge the title for the reason above.
Hope this helps – Kevin
7th February 2019 at 8:09 pm #90056
Thanks Kevin, I see your point about it not tying the two elements together. The Unknown Nine is a reference to the nine guardians of books of lore that can help advance mankind to a golden age or see it destroy itself. The Fey are one of the guardian castes assigned to protect the unknown and shepherd mankind in the right direction. The fact the friend is a scientist is central to the dynamic. Here are a few more based on your feedback;
1. Two women, best friends since childhood, are torn apart in a human trafficking incident. When circumstances reunite them, two millennia of shadow work are risked when principles and purpose come into conflict.
2. Nine guardians of cataclysmic and revelatory lore, three guardian castes and the woman who must choose between her principles and purpose.
3. Itha Bann is Fey, tasked with shepherding mankind to a Golden Age and subverting the efforts of the Cartel, who seek the lore of the Unknown Nine for their own ends. But Itha has her own agenda. She’s searching for her missing best friend – a promising scientist – but is her friend captive, or complicit, in the changing global order?
7th February 2019 at 8:45 pm #90057
4. When Itha Bann discovers a link to her missing best friend in a commission she’s carrying out as part of the Fey, she has to decide whether she will risk two millennia of shadow work – and the Golden Age the Fey are tasked with guiding mankind toward – to find her friend.
9th February 2019 at 10:23 pm #90242
1. I like
2. too vague
3. lacks the stakes/risks but otherwisw good.
Sarah B’s also good but you need to define commission (be specific) and again state the stakes – what will be at risk from loss of two mellannia of shadow work?
10th February 2019 at 9:12 pm #90310
OK, so, how about;
Itha Bann has discovered a link to her missing best friend as part of her work for the Fey, a shadow organisation tasked with guiding mankind to a Golden Age. Now, she has to decide whether she will risk two millennia of shadow work to find her friend. She’s also faced with a problem; is her friend captive, or complicit, in the changing global order?
13th February 2019 at 4:29 pm #90905
Sorry it’s been a while getting back on this, i missed it. I wish it was easier to see the date of the latest post.
I read somewhere these should be written in active present tense.
While working for a shadow organisation tasked with guiding mankind into a golden age (need the nature of this to be clearer), Itha Bann discovers her missing best friend is somehow involved in the chaging global order (again a clear vision of what this means) but is she complicit or a captive? Itha is left with a stark choice; abandon her friend or risk revealing two miellenia of shadow work.
I think the generic terms need to be replaced to make clearer the threat to her friend and the importance of Fey’s work so the enormity of Itha’s choice is realised. This after all is the hook.
13th February 2019 at 4:34 pm #90906
PS: Probably a colon instead of a semi-colon and replace the but with a period.
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